Four uncomfortable days have passed since the smuggling of this kinky contraband through Amazon. The contraband in question? Ubisoft’s: ‘We Dare’ – a game that in their words: ‘helps you get closer to the ones you want to conquer.’ Castrated from UK shelves by PEGI (Pan European Game Information) over fears it would have 12 year olds, the game’s age certificate, Sex Wii-ing all over the living room, I had to see for myself whether it really was the flirty ‘Just Fuck’ equivalent of ‘Just Dance’.
The answer is a firm, frigid: no. It’s safe to say that the spank-propelled flight portrayed in the game’s trailer doesn’t extend to kegel-contraction controlled braking systems or deep-throat powered boats. The game does however: suck. Hard. Particularly the 1 player mode which feels a lot like you’ve been tricked into working Spearmint Rhino’s matinée performance.
…you can finally embark on your nympholeptic escapade of intimacy…
The 2 player mode however is where the Wii pencils on some philtrum-fluff and tries to mature into a sexy party toy. After creating yourself and your ‘sex opponent’ an avatar – editing its visage and assigning it a clichéd personality such as ‘The Jock’, which is only assignable to stud-muffin men, or ‘The Mother Hen’, which is only assignable to hussy-waffle women, you can finally embark on your nympholeptic escapade of intimacy. Comforted by the knowledge that your lady friend’s selection of the ‘The Tom Boy’ trait will be indifferent to the number of times she has to jiggle her junk to Rick James’s Super Freak.
As the samey games load, you’ll be fluffed up with obvious facts all puberty noobs should know such as: ‘vibrators were invented in the 19th century as a cure for female hysteria’ and probed with questions to decipher the mood of the next round. Other than the various games involving holding the Wii remote hands free by either supporting it between your bodies or faces, leaning together to dodge obstacles or violently eskimo snogging buttons in sync, there are only 2 games out of all 36 that could ever really be considered ‘risqué’.
…an unfair sense of sauciness…
The trailer-famed first, ‘Never Let Me Down’ sees one player lie across the other’s lap with the controller tucked in their back pocket, flying their way through gravity-hating hoops. By giving their ‘A’ button a chivalric bitch-spank the ass-pit-pilot will spin in the air, though this is cheekily omitted from the pre-flight instructions and adds as much to the hoopla as the brace position does to splatty-death prevention. The second, Trotter-philosophy inspired ‘Who Dares Wins’ utilizes the Wii board and challenges players to lose the most weight, which if you’re not part bulimic or time lord, is achieved by stripping off clothes. Given Ubisoft’s resistance to upping the age certificate from a 12 to 16, this gives the game a nice Gary Glittesque edge.
The problem with this game is that while it’s obviously ‘totes inappropes’ for 12 year olds, the consequential ban gives it an unfair sense of sauciness. In terms of a sex-securing aid this is what Vicks vapour rub is to rohipnol. I think any game could be frisked up into filth, e.g. Strip Buzz, Mario Kart Dogging or my personal favourite: Lego Bitches. The only difference is that this game puts it forward for you, though you still have to ask player 2 whether they’d like to play it and hope that their polite “yes” will be the blind first of many.
The idea for ‘We Dare’ isn’t terrible, had it been a 16+ then the only viable reason for its banning would be because the game itself is a barrel of yawns. In terms of knotting the beard of baby Jesus and sparking a teenage Wii-baby boom, this game is definitely not enough to make a nun chuck!
Images courtesy of Nintendo