Two hands snatch between the corridors of west London.

A drive to the bowels of Whitehall. A darkened room glares at a spotlighted baby protected by red silk. An old Etonian voice from the darkness leads the discussion and pronounces, “We need a name,” with probing eyes.

The surrounding shadows are well aware of this and are ready to supply answers.

A spectral silhouette leans forwards. “Looks a little like a Keith to me.”

No baby looks like a Keith,” retorts the educated, Etonian voice.

“I feel the name Carl would suffice,” utters another voice filled with tension, wanting the proceedings to be over.

…England’s future will not be called Carl…

“England’s future will not be called Carl,” the educated voice answers again. “Any serious suggestions?”

Another anonymous figure pipes up. “How about Philip, after his grandfather’s name? People are always naming babies after their relatives.”

“I think the public will associate this name with bigotry, casual racism and ineptitude,” says the shadowy Etonian, “we need a name that will not provide more fuel to the republicans and have no controversial connotations.”

The baby begins to cry.

“Okay, well… what about Philip’s father, Andrew?” murmurs someone from the corner. “Andrew could be both a traditional and modern name.”

…it would cause confusion amongst the broadsheets…

 “Hardly original,” replies the shadowy Etonian, “the child will have an uncle called Andrew; it would cause confusion amongst the broadsheets. We want the couple to appear forward thinking and innovative whilst retaining the royal gloss.”

“Let’s make up a name from scratch, one cannot get more forward thinking than that!” a younger voice suggests, “‘Hy’ or ‘Prih’ would be great for the Twitter generation, it takes up less characters and–”

“Quiet!” the shadowy leader shouts. “For survival we must retain the current demographic and hope to gain more. Perhaps a biblical name would be well received, at least it would satisfy the Church.”

“We could reclaim a Biblical name like Isaiah or Job for a new England,” another hopeful says.

“We definitely cannot use Job; too easy for the gutter press, imagine the headlines: ‘The only new Job in the country’, or ‘It’s the only Job the couple will ever have.’ I will put Isaiah on the possible list, though. Could create good relations with other countries…”

…That will appeal to the American market…

“What about William Jr. then? That will appeal to the American market, could also save on re-making certain items of memorabilia. We have a warehouse of commemorative crockery and towels from when the first William was born, it wouldn’t take much to add a ‘junior’ to the pieces.”

There is slight pause between the voices, then, “Sounds great, but will…”

A sleepless night later and after much arguing, a name is agreed upon. A press release is called for the salivating journalists. As these groups leave, the regal robe slips down the dried newborn blood and off the supporting pedestal, unnoticed, showing no modesty – and no sign of being masculine.

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