Britain is in the grip of a sexual recession, and our lack of turnover is becoming a national obsession: not only is the UK financially fucked, it appears our inclination to fuck is also fucked too.
Such is the current level of financial and sexual strain that we have seen the first rise in divorce rates since 2003, as couples struggle to keep themselves afloat in a market which saw their last spread at a 52 week low.
…tired of looking at their husband’s saggy ball…
According to Relate, loss of libido (or sex-drive) is now the number one reason that couples go into counselling. You could be excused for thinking it‘s just middle-aged women, tired of looking at their husband’s saggy balls who feel the urge to go into therapy, but more and more young people are turning to intermediaries for help as well.
Some people have a naturally low sex-drive, so it follows that they don’t often feel in the mood to trade; some find their urge to play the markets wanes as they get older, but others find interest in their share of the sexual market plummets almost overnight.
…or just plain not fancying your partner…
There are lots of reasons why your sexual dividends can stop yielding: feeling run down or tired, feeling low or depressed or worried and stressed about other stuff going on in your life, being in a rut, wanting out of a relationship or just plain not fancying your partner.
Medication is another frequent cause of low interest rates in all things carnal: some women find that certain hormonal methods of contraception have a rather ironic affect on their libido, and our nation’s ongoing love affair with anti-depressants has had a similar stagflative effect on the UK‘s sexual commerce.
…it’s not the ‘sex’ that’s the problem…
Issues like these are often easily remedied (once you know the cause), but, more often than not, it’s not the ‘sex’ that’s the problem: the problem is the reason you stopped wanting it or having it in the first place.
The thing is, having a really high or really low libido isn’t actually a problem, what is a problem is someone else wanting you to have sex more or less often than you want to; and, so, if their FTSE Index is very high, but your Dow Jones Industrial Average is very low, this could lead to difficulties in your both your fiscal and sexual union.
…you won’t be in the mood for sex…
If you feel like a silent partner, undervalued, ignored or taken for granted, or if you spend too much time arguing (or worse ignoring each other) it’s understandable that you will be less inclined to get intimate too.
If you don’t feel 100% committed to your relationship then, no matter how hard you try to push up your stocks and fill your reserves, you won’t be in the mood for sex, and the reason that so many relationships fail in a sexual recession is because they can’t communicate. In fact we, as a nation, find it difficult to talk frankly about sex without using innuendo, fiscal or otherwise, full stop.
…Talking honestly and openly is the only way to reach a compromise…
If it helps, think of you and your partner as the majority shareholders in a business that is slowly but surely going to the wall. If your PE Ratio is becoming a problem (that‘s premature ejaculation, rather than price-to-earnings ratio – do keep up with the sub-par Carry On jokes!), and you don’t want to ‘go to the mattresses‘, then now is the time to hold an extraordinary general meeting. Talking honestly and openly is the only way to reach a compromise, so that you can both work towards saving your relationship, and avoid calling in the receivers.
Whether it’s business or love, speaking up can feel very daunting; if you have trouble getting things off your chest, or just confusing your guilt with your gilts, then sometimes it’s best to call in a specialist, and go into mediation: just remember, the value of your relationship can go down as well as up and you may get back less than you invested.
Image courtesy of the NHS